Bush Goes to Kindergarten
by IcePrincess777
Summary: A documentary of sorts of Bush repeating Kindergarten to have a second chance at getting skills he missed the first time, but really needed later on.
1. Late August and September Poor Billy

Disclaimer: I don't own Bush, he owns himself along with that five-year-old attitude of his. For all those who disagree with the points made during this fic, I mean no offence. I am just trying to elucidate something that should have been realized a long time ago.  
Bush Goes to Kindergarten  
Chapter One: Late August and September  
It was a bright and sunny late August day. All the little kids were on their sleep deprived and bummed out way to school. Including someone who wasn't so little. After deciding that maybe George W. Bush hadn't learned some of the lessons from kindergarten that he should have been able to use later in life (especially as the president) that maybe he aught to go repeat the grade before being allowed to be re-elected. Not wanting to lose his mind-numbing grip on the country for another four years, he agreed to go to Marshmallow Pond's kindergarten for a year to catch up on these "lessons".  
Of course none of the kids recognized him as he arrived in his presidential limo. "Wow! Nice car, mister!", one little boy holding a water gun said. "My name is Billy! What's yours?"  
  
"*gasp* Is that a weapon of mass destruction?!"  
  
"It's just a water gun!" Billy shivers in fear as Bush flies into another one of his 'disarm the Iraquis' speeches, even though Billy is not Iraq.  
  
"Limo driver person!!! Run this kid over before he hurts someone with that!!!" Before poor little Billy can react, the huge car is on top of him. Bush picks up the water gun, wipes the blood and guts off of it as the limo drives away and gloats to himself, "Hehehe! Mine now!"  
"Good morning class! And welcome to kindergarten!", the teacher said cheerfully as she surveyed the crowd of mostly small students. Except for one. "And it looks like we have a new student today! That gray haired man in the back is George. Everyone say hello!"  
  
"Hi, George.", the class said in haphazard unison.  
  
"Aren't you that nincompoop my daddy is always yelling about?", a little girl whose nametag read "Mary Sue" asked innocently.  
  
"Oh yeah?! Well my daddy can kick your daddy's big fat bum with secret agents!" "Nuh uh! My daddy is a wrestler and he can kick your big fat bum out the window with his bare hands!" Bush stuck his tongue out and she did the same.  
  
"THAT'S ENOUGH!! DETENTION FOR BOTH OF YOU!", the teacher yelled, frustrated that the president of her own country was acting like a five year old. "George, I'm surprised no one discovered your childish behavior earlier! Like when you were president maybe?!"  
  
"There's only so much they let campaign ads show.", Mary Sue said.  
  
"Very good Mary Sue! You don't have detention!"  
  
"Stupid teachers and STUPID kindergarteners!", Bush growled under his breath. "Okay then. If you want to mouth off, you get two!"  
August 29, 2003 Dear Diaree,  
Detenshun suks. Kindrgarden suks too. Mary Sue called daddy a nincumpoopey and sed her restler daddy cud beet me up. Dam I wish I had somwun to right this four mee. I forgot how to spel.  
A/N: So..is this an acceptable idea? Should I continue with it? Please review! And flame if you must, but not just those lame "you suck just because you suck" ones. At least give me a valid reason. 


	2. October and November Tim for President

Bush still owns himself, like you didn't know that. I own Tim (recurring fanfiction character), Mary Sue(not the story type), Mary Jane(not the drug) and other such characters. Since I got a few reviews saying to continue with this story, I present to you the next chapter of horrid humor!  
Bush Goes to Kindergarten, Chapter 2: October and November/ Tim for President  
It was a crisp autumn day as Bush went to a street corner, but not to cross. His limo driver went to jail after running little Billy over that first day of Kindergarten, even though Bush had told him to. But the court ruled it was the driver's fault for taking orders from a Kindergartener. Even if he was the president and the driver's boss. Well, you can see who those judges were appointed by. So now Bush had to take the bus to school. He had to get up before the sun rose now, but how bad could it be? Pretty damn rough as he was about to find out!  
  
"You look like my grandpa!" blurted out a little blonde from George's class whose name was Mary Jane. She was also part of a group of five girls including the redheaded ringleader, Mary Sue. It seemed to be their purpose in life to take advantage of every opportunity to point out George's stupidity, which was in no shortage.  
  
"Shut up Mary Jane!", George whined back before sticking his tongue out at her. The bus pulled up to the curb and they both climbed inside. George had no friends so he just listened in on other kids' conversations.  
  
"Hey Tim! Are you going to run for class president?" Now, George wasn't the only unusually old Kindergartener in this school. There was also Tim, who should be a Sophomore in high school, but just couldn't pass up the opportunity to stalk another celebrity, which is his favorite hobby. Yes, this is the same Tim from Squeegee Casil and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone, Crazy and the Seagull. He has "issues".  
  
"Yeah! I'm running for the Hyperactive Party!" Tim stands on his seat and turns around to face all the other little kids on the bus. "And I promise that if you elect me as your class president, I will personally find a pair of the loser's underwear and run it up the flag pole with their name on it! This will take time out of the day for another assembly on why running people's underwear up the flagpole is wrong so you'll all miss a spelling test!"  
  
A cheer went up from the bus full of Kindergarteners as a jealous and red faced Bush hit Tim in the head with a crumpled up wad of paper. "Nuh uh! I'm gonna be class president! And when I win I'm going to run YOUR underwear up the flagpole! So NYEAH!"  
During the next week, the campaign posters went up. Mary Sue was obviously helping with Tim from the fact that all of Bush's posters had devil's horns and mustaches drawn on them. Bush tried to bribe voters with positions as White House interns when they grew up, but that was only about five of them. And those were the special ed ones.  
  
Then finally came the day of the elections. Only Tim and Bush ran this year. But they would still have to deliver their speeches before the elections. Bush was used to someone else writing his speeches for him. You see, he never really meant all those things he said. He just said them because those were the things that got him elected. So he just came up with some gibberish the night before that he hoped the Kindergarteners would fall for.  
"I stalk walk in the dark. Where am I? Where is my pimpster? Phantoms make fire hoses in the night. I am alone. I float like Weird Al. Slippery girls will cry out my name and all the people who shat on me when I was little will stink their eyes out. But no one will come to my funeral so never mind. I must destroy Eminem! Hard like refrigerator. I throb down on the world below. All will choke at my elbow. Behold my squeaky dud. I am Leonardo DiCaprio."  
  
Bush left the podium in the cafetorium full of Kindergarteners, most of which were either laughing so hard they peed in their pants or very very confused. "Okay, maybe you need to retake first grade English too. And next we have Tim the Stalker!", the teacher said as Tim came up to the stage.  
  
"Elect me and see Bush's underwear run up the flagpole!" And that was all he needed. Two hours later the votes were counted. Tim won by a landslide! But of course Bush wouldn't accept this.  
  
"But there were hanging chads on the ballots!"  
  
"We weren't even using butterfly ballots. Now shut up before I give you another detention.", the teacher replied annoyingly.  
  
"Come on! I'm president of the United States! What's it going to look like if I can't even win a Kindergarten election?!"  
  
"It's going to look like the truth. And you can come up with a decent political speech for the next national election in detention today."  
Tuesday, November 20 Deer Diure,  
Az I right in herre, Tim and Mary Sue are replasing the flag with my underware. Butt dat dusn't luk lik mi underware! It's a bra and a thong! O waat. Doz r min. Eye think.  
Ah, poor little Bush. He lost the election and his privacy of underwear all in one day. Too bad he couldn't remember what being in Kindergarten for the first time was like. Then he wouldn't have been in this mess to begin with. But he's not all that intelligent, is he? All you anti-war readers will like the next few chapters. 


	3. December and January The Stolen Voice

It is Monday, March 17, 2003. Bush has just said that unless Saddam leaves Iraq in two days, we are going to war. There are countless ways in which this is wrong. But instead of rambling on here, I'll just let the story do the talking.  
  
Chapter 3: December, January/ The Stolen Voice  
  
It was a cold and snowy day when another assembly was called.  
  
"Kindergarteners, since Tim was in an unfortunate accident with a certain presidential limo driver, the runner up will be your new student council representative even though he only received one vote. George W. Bush." There were loud boos and hisses as he made his way up to the podium.  
  
"Haha!! I win and stuff! Oh yeah, I promise to protect your rights and stuff." That went right out the window at the first Student Council meeting.  
  
"So our first order of business is. yes Bush?"  
  
"Mary Sue is a terrorist! I want to expel her!"  
  
"But you've done the exact same things to her."  
  
"So?! I'm the boss!"  
  
"No you're not."  
  
"I'm bigger than you so I'm the boss!"  
  
"Well the Student Council doesn't agree with you."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Do the Kindergarteners even agree with you?"  
  
"Who cares about them?"  
  
"You, apparently."  
  
"They should have known by now that I didn't really want to protect their rights and stuff."  
  
"But you're the one who's breaking the rules!"  
  
"F*** off!"  
  
"Could you at least not swear in front of the little kids?"  
  
"You know what? I don't like your name. Tom is a dumb name. Dumb like you and your dumb Student Council and the students' dumb rights as human beings. I'm going to change everything with your name in it to Government."  
  
"Somehow a Peeping Government sounds even dumber."  
  
"Who died and made you dictator?"  
  
"I would ask you the same thing."  
  
Der Diarrhea, January 12, 2004  
  
I dun car wut doz kids sa, I's gonna get Mary Sue! She embarrassed mee and put my undees up da flag pol. Butt I gut in Student Council cuz my limo drivr ran Tim ovr.  
************************************************************************  
  
And on a somewhat related subject, a poem I thought of while watching the mass of lies Bush calls a speech.  
  
The blood of thousands stains his hands  
  
Striking terror in all lands  
  
He will not learn from bloodshed past  
  
None are spared from his unjust wrath  
  
Where you are you're not safe here  
  
His evil feeds upon your fear  
  
When freedom falls, he gave the push  
  
Is it Hussein? Or is it Bush? 


	4. February and March Valentines for Monkey...

I don't own Bush, his monkey trainer does. Poor monkey trainer. *sniff* Oh shit, we're at war. As...half assed a story this is, it's dedicated to everyone who has or will die as a result of Bush's stupidity. Rest in peace. The scary thing is, I can probably be arrested for saying that under the so-called Patriot Act. I don't hate my country, I just hate what Bush has done with it.  
  
February and March: Valentines for Monkeys  
  
It was mid February when cabin fever first started to set in among the school. But for all of the little kiddies fortunate enough to be popular, there was hope. Valentine's Day was coming, the day when popular opinion finally ruled over the corrupted student government. The nerds that ran it were always emotionally scarred, but only a conscience could fix that. It's not like they could make valentines for them mandatory! Or maybe I spoke too soon.  
  
Bush was in the bathroom hiding from bullies as he wrote some important looking document with a crayon.  
  
"So they think they can make me look stupid by not giving me any valentines do they?!", he pouted as he shredded the First and Fourth Amendments. "I'll show them! Ha! It is done!!", he said as he held up his sinister masterpiece of scribblings about being a terrorist for intimidating the government and being able to be searched for looking suspicious with a warrant being made AFTER the search. And to fool everyone it would be called the Patriot Act although a more suiting title would have been the Fascist Act. It would be used to kill two birds with one stone in the sense that no one would dare not to give him a valentine or criticize him for what he wanted to do to Mary Sue.  
  
So the big, nauseating day had finally arrived. Of course, Bush had used the warrantless searches to get Mary Sue and all her supporters and then taped the things they said that criticized Bush to be used against them. The kindergarteners were a little bit more careful about what they said in the month of March and began the use of coded notes. There were rumors of a protest going around, so Bush started random searches targeted at any and all mildly suspicious looking kindergarteners. One of the notes was found in Tim's ghost's pocket.  
  
"But I just have really messy handwriting!! It says 'I love Sally' I swear!!"  
  
"Yeah right. I'm going to hold you in jail indefinitely or send you out of the country without a trial!"  
  
"Because of your stupid Fascist Act thing that most of us didn't even know about until after it was passed?"  
  
"YOU CALLED THE FASCIST.uh PATRIOT ACT STUPID!! NOW I SEND YOU TO ANTARCTICA!!"  
  
"But you just called it the Fascist Act too!", Tim screamed as he was sucked toward Antarctica by a giant Ghostbusters vacuum.  
  
"And now! I will give Mary Sue my specialty punishment. THE DEATH PENALTY!!!" March 24 2004 Dir Dieyuree,  
  
Da Fascist, uh Patriot Act is wurkin purfektlee! Wif dis eye can git awa wif anetig eye want! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
B.S.- Eye ned tu wurc on mi evul laf.  
  
A/N: Will Mary Sue get the death penalty? Or will Bush's plans of mass destruction be thwarted once again? Tune in next time for. WAIT!! THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOME WASHED UP TV SHOW!!! Ah, what the heck. To be continued. 


	5. It's Like Joan of Arc All Over Again!

I'm baaaaccckkkk!!!! No, I'm not dead. Unfortunately. But it's got to happen sometime, so don't be TOO disappointed. As you may have guessed, I still don't own Bush or any of the other stuff that I don't own here, nor do I want to. And now, the last chapter of the story "Bush Goes to Kindergarten"!!  
  
Chapter 5: April, May and June/It's like Joan of Arc All Over Again!  
  
It was a mild early spring day in everyone's least favorite Kindergarten class when a disaster..or a miracle to most, happened. As all the little kids of the classroom took show and tell objects out of their cubbies and sat in a circle, a fit of giggles made its way around the room. George wasn't paying attention though. He was too tired because nightmares of being accepted into a monkey cult made it impossible for him to sleep. He almost didn't notice when something beneath him emitted a loud farting noise when he sat down. The laughter of the little children exploded as his face turned a shade of red that would put a sunburned teenybopper to shame. Then he cried and ran to the bathroom, only to be splashed in the face by a malfunctioning toilet. The janitor got fired last week because of cuts to the education budget. Since he also wanted higher test scores and they needed the money teachers didn't use for things like heat, someone had to go. And "Insane Earl", as the ex-janitor was called was that special someone. This caused him to suffocate because he was too poor to afford oxygen, so he vowed to get the ones responsible for this in their dreams. (Yes, I am ripping off the Simpsons episode where Willy does almost the same thing, which is ripping off "Fear on Elm Street". Happy now?!) So naturally, no one wanted to fix the toilet. He got cherry bombs thrown at him for the rest of the day, April 1st until he could run home and cry to no one who cared, but had to listen to him rant anyway.  
  
The air conditioner broke on the first hot day in May and that was really the only thing that happened until the last day of school, Mary Sue's execution. She was led to the gym and tied to a stake with Bush standing in front of it with a very unauthentic looking Puritan costume.  
  
"Hear ye, hear ye! Ye are about to witness the burning of the heretic Mary Sue! Anyone who wishes to join her, excuse me, present any evidence as to her innocence, please speak now or forever hold your peace!" He gave exactly two milliseconds for a reply before talking in a fake..really really old accent again. "If there are no objections, then I now pronounce you husband and.WAIT!! No, that's not it. If there are no objections, then let the burning begin!!!"  
  
"I OBJECT!!!!!" boomed a voice from the far end of the gym.  
  
"Shrek? What the heck are you doing here?"  
  
"No, I object!!" said the ghost of Tim the Stalker as he pushed Shrek out the window. "No, I object!!" yelled another ghost.  
  
"HOLY CRUD!!", an old teacher shrieked. "IT'S THE GHOST OF INSANE EARL!!!! AND HE'S BACK FOR HIS REVENGE!!!"  
  
"No, I was just back for my mop, but come to think of it, revenge does sound good." Then it dawned on him. The bad foreshadowing, the nightmares about the monkeys, the spraying toilet, it had all been Insane Earl back for his vengeance.and his mop. He went all crazy and stuff as the last bell of the year rang and the nice people in white coats took him away and gave him a nice straightjacket to wear. Mary Sue was saved by Tim the Stalker's ghost and they moved to Antarctica where they ised (the action of being, past tense of is.or at least I think it should be) very happily until the penguins gave them leprosy.  
  
"What the? It's just like Joan of Arc all over again!", remarked some random teacher who looks just like someone I know. But I'm not telling who.  
  
George lived in his padded cell at Hellhole High and had hallucinations of ruling the world until the penguins invaded Hell under the orders of a little green alien and gave him leprosy too. Did he ever go on to first grade? I don't know, the FBI finally caught me. No, not really. I'm just too lazy to write any more. So in other words it's.  
  
THE END 


End file.
